User talk:SketchyNerd1965
Hey guys! After reading a lot of creepypastas, I decided to give it a shot. My imagination can go from sweet and innocent like Snow White to Hellish and sewage like a really fucked up person. I have written an incomplete fanfiction that went from 0 to 100 in microseconds, if you would like to read it please message me SketchyNerd1965 (talk) 01:10, February 24, 2016 (UTC) SketchyNerd1965 Notice The most recent comments you left border on spam as they aren't feedback or a response to the story. Please stop. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:46, August 29, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:16, February 21, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story There were actually quite a lot of issues here that resulted in the story being below quality standards. There are a lot of punctuation, capitalization, wording, and story issues here. please note this is not a comprehensive list and you should proof-read your story for more issues. Capitalization issues: You forget to capitalize new sentences. "White." he (He) agreed with that statement." Punctuation: Punctuation missing from dialogue. ""He's kind, too kind(,)" she thought", " "Now, begin thy magic spell(,)" she whispered to herself.", ""I think he's dead" the student exclaimed.", etc. Punctuation missing before dialogue. "asked(,) "Do you believe..." Wording issues: Complex sentences that should really be broken down. "Mr. E was tall, pale as snow, skinny like George Harrison, 5 o'clock shadow, glasses, and a hairstyle like Brenden Fraiser's in The Mummy; Audrey didn't think much of him at first but that changed in a few weeks.", "When he swallowed it, he fell down, Mr. E was poisoned with the Shellac; Audrey went to French like she didn't do anything.", etc. Story issues: Here's where a majority of the issues were. It feels very rushed and doesn't really go much into character's decisions giving them a glossed over feel. "Using her unusual imagination, Audrey speculated he was some kind of alien or government conspiracy that was going to kill them all in some horrid way." This is especially true when this is accepted wholesale by other characters. ""Do you believe my theory that Mr. E is some kind of alien or government conspiracy?" James nodded seriously."" Without anything to back-up her theories, they quickly become ridiculous. ""James, forget the alien theory; I have a theory he's bisexual."" How does that convey a sense of danger at all? Not trying to judge here, but going from a theory that he's an alien sent to experiment on them to his sexuality being treated in the same manner raises some odd questions. Especially considering she poisons him a few paragraphs later. Story issues cont.: His codename feels really forced into the story and has little explanation. "Since his code name is Snow White" especially considering the main reason for it seems to be that he's a nice guy. It feels shoehorned in to make the poisoning point more apt. "When Audrey got home, she got a bright red apple from the fridge, a small bottle of Shellac from the spice cabinet" Why exactly does her family have that on their spice cabinet by the way? It's for finishing wood, paint removal, and presenting/preserving commercial food. Why would it be on their spice cabinet? Story issues cont.: Dialogue should really be spaced out so two speakers are never on the same line. (""Why is he so nice to us?" he asked, "Maybe he's trying to trick us into thinking he's some sweet person, like Snow White."", ""Shellac! Why would someone poison a teacher?" a cop exclaimed. "Let's get a DNA test and find out who poisoned him." another cop said.") This is a common format in almost all forms of literature as it prevents text from coming off as blocky and helps with the story's flow. You also really need to focus more on being descriptive and a lot more research needs to be done here. "When he swallowed it, he fell down, Mr. E was poisoned with the Shellac; Audrey went to French like she didn't do anything." The poison is way too fast-acting here. There are also none of the symptoms commonly associated with it. This needs quite a bit more research. I'm sorry but there are a lot of issues here. I would strongly suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop (link above) as there are more than just mechanical issues in the story. I hope this helps. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:02, February 21, 2016 (UTC) :There's a link in the deletion message above. Make sure to follow the rules and guidelines outlined there. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:15, February 24, 2016 (UTC)